I remember when I gave up playing team sport. I had zero motivation to do anything. One day led into another and then another and before I knew it weeks and months had past.I got pretty down on myself but no matter what I did the willpower wasn’t there to do anything.
At one point I walked into the gym and turned back around and left.
Nasty habits started to creep in too and combined with the birth of my son, the excuses came thick and fast.
What I later discovered was that I was at a point where my identity was changing and I was stuck in the ‘messy middle’.
You know when you are there. You have no motivation to do anything. You can’t be bothered going to the gym, even a walk and the thought of eating healthy foods actually turns your stomach.
Welcome to the messy middle.
Your actions used to precede your feelings which then determine your identity (A.F.I) You wouldn’t think twice about going to the gym, putting down the pringles or heading out for a walk.
Suddenly your feelings are preceding all your actions which are determining a different identity (F.A.I) ‘Just do it’’ becomes ‘Just do it later’. Later never appears.
We give up. We label ourselves a failure, come up with more excuses than a pregnant nun and then look for the next shiny object to hold onto.
Can you see the cycle emerge?
When you understand ‘change’ it becomes very clear that it is normal and ok to feel like this and is actually part of the ‘hero’s journey’.
It’s ok to feel like this. Change is hard. Really hard and we as good ole homo sapiens really don’t like expending energy on changing things. On the other side of this is where your results lie though.
An old chinese proverb writes “a path is not worth travelling unless there are obstacles along the way”
So what can we DO to make this shift?
There are a few things. On the other side is the pot of gold.
Get accountability and support
Reach out to someone in your corner. A friend, coach, family member. Discuss why you may be feeling like this. There may be other reasons. Medical, stress related, time, family pressures. Some things are beyond your level of control. Some things are. Those who are successful focus on things which are purely in our level of control.
For example, you can’t control the weather which is putting you off your walk in the evening. What you can control though is your reaction to it which is to wrap up warmer, stick a raincoat on and do it anyway! What happens though if you still don’t want to. Try the 54321 technique.
54321
Remember how feelings carry actions which carry your identity. So if you don’t feel like action then your actions will cast this forward into your identity which is one of failure?
How about using a quick simple technique to change this from Action which propels your feelings which in turn, converts your identity into an action taker.
Before you take any action, count down from 5 to 1. See how you feel. According to Mel Robbins this lights up the drive part of your brain and makes it easier to take that 1st step.
5,4,3,2,1 GO!
Once you have this it is time to reflect and think about why. And this is where we can break the cycle.
Reflect on why you are feeling like this
Relapse is part of the journey of change. You will face obstacles. You will face challenges, points of despair and periods of little to no motivation. The main thing is to keep the main thing and reflect on why this happens. It may be a repetitive behaviour.
Instead of throwing your hands up on the air or as Matthew McCoanahughy writes ‘stepping in sh*t all the time’ work out a way to walk around it, jump over it or around it. All of which keep you on the same path, accepting there are obstacles and pitfalls but encourage you to see the detour.
Look at your goals
Do you have any? If not you should. We are teleological organisms meaning ‘we need a goal or a higher purpose’.
If you are struggling with motivation then sometimes this hasn’t been explored enough.
This doesn’t necessarily have to be a purely objective goal i.e. losing X amount of weight. This will always be met with a why
It could be more subjective and more around ‘feeling better, moving better for my family both now and into the future. My commitment to a weekly regime means I am better role model and example to my children and partner’.
Your goals, once tied to a higher purpose, can then be driven by actions rather than feelings.
Focus on the process
Ask any successful businessman about the success they have had and it will largely be driven by the ‘turning up’, ‘the grind’ and most importantly the habits and process they have done day in day out. You have to dream but then the process becomes the bridge between dreamland and reality.
What can you do today to win it. There may be some days where you are nailing every detail. There may be some that you are not. We call these here in Sphere ‘Plan Bs’ or better referred to as ‘If I can’t do this then I do this’.
When folks lose motivation it is because the goal and outcome has become the dominant feature of their thinking instead of the process of getting there. Failure is fundamental to the process of learning and reaching your goals. Without it the end result you thought you wanted simply isn’t worth it.
Small Wins
Following on from this, what have you done today to take you further along or nudge the needle in your favor? Write these down. Express gratitude for what you did and move on. There is always tomorrow.
I know – more stuff to do and even reading this article maybe a touch too far. You are simply in the messy middle. A place that in any pursuit of goals is a place that needs to be acknowledged and then dealt with.
This is your current identity making it a habit of railroading your efforts. The whole devil on your shoulder. For you to change, you can change. These tools will help you silence that voice.
